


The Tiberius Towers Homeowners' Association

by Cateia



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Crack, Explosions, Grenades, Humor, Neighbors, Other, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 20:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9141070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cateia/pseuds/Cateia
Summary: A true and accurate record of meeting minutes from the Tiberius Towers Homeowners' Association, as recorded by Board Secretary Aleeah T'rasa.





	1. 15 October (Regular Meeting)

_**Tiberius Towers Homeowners Association Meeting** _

_**15 October 2186** _

 

_** Members Present: ** _

President Khalisa Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Unit 21B

Vice President Lucian Quintus, Unit 10A

Treasurer Sam Tarleton, Unit 30B

Secretary Aleeah T’rasa, Unit 17B

Genevive Brown, Unit 15A

Thax Vorak, Unit 29A

Bel Anoleis, Unit 28B

 

President al-Jilani called meeting to order at 1830. 

Minutes from prior meeting read by Secretary T’rasa and approved unanimously. 

Treasurer Tarleton reviewed the monthly expense report and provided a copy of the 2187 budgetary goals for review and vote at next meeting. 

Bids for repairs to attached parking facility were reviewed. All bids were above planned budget. Treasurer recommended an increase in monthly reserved parking fee from 4000 to 5000 credits, effective immediately. Motion seconded by President al-Jilani. Motion passed 5-2 (Anoleis and Quintus dissenting). 

Treasurer Tarleton moved to re-designate half of the current guest parking spots as reserved in order to urge more residents to purchase parking permits. Seconded by President al-Jilani. Motion passed 4-3 (Anoleis, Quintus, Vorak dissenting).

Member Anoleis stated that the recent renovations to the elevator system were successfully completed. 

Member Brown complained that one of the residents in the upper units is playing loud music in the common areas. Unfortunately, Ms. Brown could not provide any identifying information. Vice President Quintus offered to send a reminder to all residents regarding noise policies as defined in Bylaws 286.230, 197.303, and 237.101. 

Vice President Quintus presented a request for title transfer of unit 30A from David Anderson to Drea Shepard. Documentation was found to be properly filed in accordance with Bylaw 303.190. Transfer approved 6-1 (al-Jilani dissenting). Welcome package to be delivered to unit 30A on 1 Nov. 

No additional items to discuss. President al-Jilani moved to adjourn. Seconded by Vice President Quintus. Unanimously approved. 

Meeting adjourned at 1910. 

 

Signed,

Aleeah T’rasa, Secretary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was struck by inspiration during my most recent playthrough of the Citadel DLC. I couldn't help thinking that being Shepard's neighbor would be the absolute WORST. Not sure how many chapters this is going to be, just yet. Let's just go with the flow. Happy New Year!


	2. 15 November (Regular Meeting)

_**Tiberius Towers Homeowners Association Meeting** _

_**15 November 2186** _

 

_**Members Present:** _

President Khalisa Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Unit 21B

Vice President Lucian Quintus, Unit 10A

Treasurer Sam Tarleton, Unit 30B

Secretary Aleeah T’rasa, Unit 17B

Genevive Brown, Unit 15A

Thax Vorak, Unit 29A

Bel Anoleis, Unit 28B

 

President al-Jilani called meeting to order at 1830.

Minutes from prior meeting read by Secretary T’rasa and approved unanimously.

Treasurer Tarleton noted a significant recent increase in parking violations, including permit violations, double-parking, and vandalism. Treasurer provided photographic evidence of what appears to be bullet holes and scorch marks on his wife’s new Cision Phantom S. Treasurer also noted that his daughter has had to park in guest spaces 3 times in the past month due to other residents parking in her reserved space. Treasurer provided transcripts of communications between his daughter and resident D. Shepard (Unit 30A), in which Ms. Shepard acknowledges that she violated the parking facility rules.

President al-Jilani moved to evict resident D. Shepard, effective immediately. Vice President Quintus pointed out that immediate eviction was against bylaws 100.190, 125.201, 240.390, and 401.201, but that resident Shepard’s actions would be noted. Motion not seconded. Motion died.

Treasurer Tarleton reviewed the monthly expense report and reminded board members that any changes to the proposed 2187 budget need to be filed no later than 30 Nov.

Treasurer Tarleton provided an update on the parking facility repair bid status. Changes approved at prior meeting have been implemented. Projected revenue is expected to cover the difference between planned repair expenses and the lowest bid. Treasurer moved to approve lowest bid, with a work start date of 1 Dec. President al-Jilani seconded. Motion passed unanimously.

Member G. Brown apologized for last month’s noise complaint. Ms. Brown stated that her aural implant had become defective and has since been replaced.

Member Vorak inquired about adding a childcare facility in the vacant retail space on level 2. When Member Anoleis asked why a _krogan_ would be concerned about childcare, Member Vorak struck Member Anoleis in the face with his cranial crest. Vice President Quintus and Secretary T’rasa successfully restrained Member Vorak. President al-Jilani ordered Member Vorak expelled from the proceedings. As Member Vorak exited the meeting, he shouted “Suck my quad, pyjak! The krogan rise again!” (Quote included at Secretary's discretion.)

President al-Jilani ordered a 15-minute recess at 1857. Members Anoleis and T’rasa treated minor wounds with medi-gel. Meeting re-commenced at 1912.

Member Brown made a motion to add a childcare facility on level 2 as proposed by Member Vorak. Members al-Jilani, Quintus, Tarleton, and Anoleis glared at Member Brown. Motion withdrawn.

President al-Jilani moved to adjourn, stating that she “needs a fucking drink”. (Quote included at Secretary's discretion.) Motion enthusiastically seconded by all remaining members.

Meeting adjourned at 1921.

 

Signed,

Aleeah T’rasa, Secretary


	3. 18 November (Emergency Meeting)

_**Tiberius Towers Homeowners Association Emergency Meeting** _

_**18 November 2186** _

 

_**Members Present:** _

President Khalisa Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Unit 21B

Vice President Lucian Quintus, Unit 10A

Treasurer Sam Tarleton, Unit 30B

Secretary Aleeah T’rasa, Unit 17B

Genevive Brown, Unit 15A

Thax Vorak, Unit 29A

Bel Anoleis, Unit 28B

 

President al-Jilani called meeting to order at 1830.

Minutes from prior meeting read by Secretary T’rasa and approved 6-1 (Vorak dissenting).

President al-Jilani thanked members for being available on short notice. She noted that damages from the Cerberus invasion on 16 Nov were minor and mainly consisting of glass damage to floors 28-30. No residents were injured. An insurance claim has been filed, and adjusters will be on the premises next week. President al-Jilani asked Secretary T’rasa to issue notices to the affected residents that the adjusters will need access to their units in order to properly assess the damages. Secretary T’rasa acknowledged this request and will complete it within 24 hours.

President al-Jilani further noted that the purpose of this meeting is to draft a bid request to select a new security contractor, as the former guards were all Cerberus spies.

Meeting interrupted at 1839 by 3 members of the Fire Cobra Claw Security company: Urdnot Grunt, Garrus Vakarian, and Zaeed Massani. Mr. Vakarian stated that Fire Cobra Claw Security would gladly fulfill the remainder of the security contract for the sum of 250,000 credits. Mr. Grunt struck Mr. Vakarian. Mr. Vakarian revised his bid to 250,000 credits and a "truckload" of ryncol. 

Treasurer Tarleton stated that the remaining 6 months of the security contract would have paid the former contractors 500,000 credits and asked if Fire Cobra Claw Security wished to revise their bid. Mr. Grunt declined revisions, and stated that it’s “better than shooting up Shep’s new digs”. (Direct quote included at Secretary’s discretion.)

President al-Jilani expressed concern over Mr. Massani’s grenade belt, specifically noting that residential security rarely requires heavy firepower.

Mr. Massani replied, “There was this one time when I was working with the Suns--fucking bastards--and I needed to blow a hole through some rubble so I could get out of the shithole eezo mine they'd sent me to raid. Entrance shaft collapsed on me. Didn’t have any fucking grenades. Had to scrape through the rock with my goddamn rifle. Scratched Jessie’s barrel all to hell. Since then, I don’t care if I’m taking a shit or watching the fucking opera, I always have a goddamn grenade on my belt. Is that a problem?” (Direct quote included at Secretary’s discretion. Secretary also noting that Mr. Massani was tossing a grenade between his hands as he spoke.)

President al-Jilani moved to approve Fire Cobra Claw Security as the new security contractor for Tiberius Towers. Motion seconded by Vice President Quintus. Motion passed, 7-0. Treasurer Tarleton will make arrangements for payment. Secretary T’rasa will arrange delivery of ryncol.

Representatives for Fire Cobra Claw Security high-fived each other and left the meeting.

President al-Jilani moved to adjourn. Motion seconded by Vice President Quintus. Motion passed, 7-0.

Meeting adjourned at 1850.

 

Signed,

Aleeah T’rasa, Secretary


	4. 23 November (Emergency Meeting)

_**Tiberius Towers Homeowners Association Emergency Meeting** _

_**23 November 2186** _

 

_ **Members Present:** _

President Khalisa Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Unit 21B

Vice President Lucian Quintus, Unit 10A

Treasurer Sam Tarleton, Unit 30B

Secretary Aleeah T’rasa, Unit 17B

Thax Vorak, Unit 29A

Bel Anoleis, Unit 28B

 

_**Member Absent:** _

Genevive Brown, Unit 15A

 

_**Non-Members Present:** _

Garrus Vakarian, Fire Cobra Claw Security

Urdnot Grunt, Fire Cobra Claw Security

Zaeed Massani, Fire Cobra Claw Security

 

President al-Jilani called meeting to order at 1830.

Minutes from prior meeting read by Secretary T’rasa and approved 6-0.

President al-Jilani thanked members for attending this second emergency meeting in a week. President al-Jilani stated that Board Member Genevive Brown has passed away following an incident on 21 November. President noted that Ms. Brown was a member of this board for 5 years and will be missed. 

Vice President Quintus moved to send a bouquet of flowers to the funeral home. Treasurer Tarleton seconded. Motion approved 6-0. 

President al-Jilani advised that the open seat must be filled at the next Regular Meeting, scheduled for 15 December, as the current board does not meet the quorum requirements set forth in Bylaw 100.305 and cannot conduct normal business until the Board is again at 7 members. Secretary T’rasa is in charge of posting the call for nominations. 

President al-Jilani stated the remainder of the meeting would be used to determine fault in the incident on 21 November. President al-Jilani asked Mr. Vakarian, Mr. Grunt, and Mr. Massani to provide their testimony. President al-Jilani then instructed Secretary T’rasa to enter a transcript of the testimony into the meeting minutes.

 

**TESTIMONY OF GARRUS VAKARIAN, URDNOT GRUNT, AND ZAEED MASSANI**

**President al-Jilani (P):** You’ve been in charge of our building’s security for less than a week. There had better be a damn good explanation for this. Mr. Vakarian, it’s my understanding that you were on duty at the time of the incident?

**Urdnot Grunt (UG):** I was actually the one on duty. 

**P:** Okay. Then you tell me what happened, Mr. Grunt.

**Garrus Vakarian (GV):** Well, Grunt was on duty, but I was too. Sort of. 

**P:** Look, would one of you just please tell us what the hell happened?

**UG:** Okay. So I was the one officially on duty. But I got hungry, so… I left. 

**P:** You… left? Who was guarding the building?

**UG:** Hell if I know. I was at The Noodle House. C’mon, lady, keep up.

**Zaeed Massani (ZM):** It doesn’t matter if someone is actually present at the goddamn door, with the way I have the remote charges set up.

**P:** The remote… charges?

**ZM:** Yeah. Aegohr Munitions got me all set with their latest plastic explosives. Molded it so it looks just like one of those little goddamn spotlight bastards you have at the front entrance. Tapped into your intercom’s camera, too. Whenever someone hits the button, their face pops up on my omni-tool. If they look like a fucking asshole, I blow them to hell. 

_ (Secretary noting that Treasurer Tarleton fainted and was revived by Vice President Quintus.) _

**P:** If they “look like a fucking asshole”? How dare you, Mr. Massani!

**ZM:** Well, you are paying us to keep out the fucking riff-raff, are you not? 

**P:** Mr. Massani, your contract does not give you leave to blow up people who are not authorized to enter our building! And what if you mistake one of our residents for a so-called asshole? 

**GV:** Well, it’s not quite like that, Ms. Jilani--

**P:** That’s Madam President, Mr. Vakarian.

**GV:** Sorry… um… Madam President. It’s not as simple as that. I noticed that Tiberius Towers didn’t have adequate security measures, so I went ahead and added some biometric scanners to the entrance. Ariake Technologies is installing the palm scanner as we speak. Residents just put their hand on the pad and come on in. If they’re not a resident, then they use the intercom. It’s not perfect. I mean, I’d like to add a retina scanner and voice matching at some point, too, but with a little calibrating--

**P:** You’re adding a palm scanner to our building? Just where did the money for this come from? Who is going to maintain it?

**Treasurer Tarleton (T):** There’s still time to amend the proposed 2187 budget, Madam President, and we have discretionary funds--

**P:** Not the point, Treasurer!

**GV:** I’ll be doing the maintenance, Ms--er, Madam President. And I beat the pants off the local Ariake rep at the shooting range last week, so the equipment was on the house. 

**P:** Okay. So let me make sure I’ve got this right. Tiberius Towers now has a palm scan required for entry. If the scan fails, then what?

**UG:** Then they hit the intercom, like they've always done. This isn’t rocket science.

**P:** Right. And when they activate the intercom, Mr. Massani, if you think they look like an asshole, you then detonate the remote charges?

**ZM:** Pretty much. 

**GV:** Don’t worry, Madam President. I’ve got that covered, too. One of my buddies in C-Sec let me download a copy of their facial recognition software to Zaeed’s omni-tool. Then, I did a little digging in Tiberius Towers’ files, and found files on all the residents, which had their pictures. I gave it all to C-Sec to add to their databases. 

**P:** You gave… there’s so much that’s unethical here, I don’t even know where to start. Continue.

**GV:** Right. So when someone hits the intercom, the software automatically lets Zaeed know if they’re a resident or not. Green check, red X. So when Zaeed says someone looks like an asshole, that’s because they got the red X. Plus, Zaeed can talk to the person right from his omni-tool if he has any questions. Not like it’s an automatic kaboom if the software doesn’t recognize somebody.

**ZM:** Well… I can talk to them, yeah. But maybe I don’t goddamn want to, Garrus. You ever seen some of the bastards walking around here?

**P:** You will talk to every single person who uses the intercom, Mr. Massani. Is that clear?

**ZM:** Yeah, yeah. Keep your pretty little head on, Madam President. 

**P:** Okay. Well. That’s cleared up, I guess. So Mr. Grunt was at a noodle house--

**UG:** Not “a” noodle house, The Noodle House. Best on the Strip.

**P:** Whatever. Point is, you weren’t doing your goddamn job! 

**ZM:** Settle down, will ya? I was listening for alerts on my omni-tool. Nobody was going to get in if they weren’t fucking supposed to.

**P:** That implies you weren’t at the door either. Why are we paying you guys if you’re never anywhere near the building? Where were you?

**ZM:** What is this, the bloody inquisition? I wasn’t that goddamn far away. I was over at Castle Arcade. 

**P:** Doing what?

**ZM:** (grumbles incoherently)

**P:** I can’t understand you, Mr. Massani.

**ZM:** I said, I was fucking losing all my credits on that goddamn claw game. Bastard’s rigged!

**P:** You know what? Nevermind about the door, okay? Moving on. How did Genevive Brown get shot?

**GV:** Uh, that… may have been me. Sorry.

**P:** Finally, some answers! And why did you shoot one of our residents, Mr. Vakarian?

**GV:** From my vantage point, she looked like a banshee. 

**P:** Mr. Vakarian! Show some damn respect! And what was this vantage point? The residents of Tiberius Towers want answers!

**GV:** Well… see… my buddy Wrex and I, we went out to blow off some steam, right? So there we were, up on the catwalks above the Strip--

**P:** That is a restricted space, Mr. Vakarian! You need fourteen separate permits to be up there!

**GV:** Yeah, well… I used to be C-Sec, so it’s okay. Anyway, Wrex and I were having a contest to see who was the better shot, when Grunt called and said he had to go eat. I could kinda see the door from the catwalks, so I said I’d keep an eye on the place. Wrex and I kept going at our little contest, and next thing you know, there’s a banshee at the door to the Towers. So… I shot it. 

**P:** How could you possibly mistake an 85 year old woman for a… banshee? What is a banshee, by the way?

**GV:** It’s a… kind of… used to be… see, the Reapers… they take their victims, and--

**P:** On second thought, I don’t want to know. We’ll just leave it at Reapers, okay? 

**GV:** Fine by me. Those things give me the creeps. Anyway, so the catwalk we were on… the door’s maybe a 200-meter shot, which is child’s play, but Wrex’s crest kept getting in the way.

**P:** His… crest?

**GV:** Yeah. Wrex said there was no way I could hit a target while riding on his back. I said, “You’re on,” and hopped on him. He was about to throw a bottle when I saw the banshee. 

**P:** You mean, when you saw Ms. Brown.

**GV:** Yeah, I guess it could have been her. I mean, when you see something that grotesque, you don’t leave anything to chance. 

**P:** Mr. Vakarian!

**GV:** Sorry, I meant no disrespect. Banshees move fast. They use some kind of biotic warp-charge-thing to move, so I didn’t have time to get off him if I wanted to stop it. I lined up the shot as best I could, and took it. One and done. 

**P:** While… riding… on a krogan’s back.

**GV:** Precisely. Didn’t think anything of it til people started freaking out. Then C-Sec showed up, so Wrex and I got the hell out of there.

**P:** Why? I thought you said C-Sec approved you being up on the catwalks.

**GV:** I never said that. I said that it didn’t matter. 

**P:** Oh my god. So you were running around illegally in a restricted area, shot blindly at an innocent woman, and ran off like some kind of common thug?

**GV:** Well… when you put it that way, it sounds kinda bad. 

**P:** This is bad, Mr. Vakarian! One of our residents was killed on your watch, by you! Tell me why we shouldn’t terminate Fire Cobra Claw’s contract right now!

**UG:** Well, for starters, we already spent the credits. Ryncol’s almost gone, too. Heh-heh-heh.

**ZM:** And good luck with finding and defusing all the goddamn trip wires I’ve got set up in the building. Hit one, and the whole fucking floor it’s on gets obliterated.

**GV:** And if I don’t calibrate the biometric scanners at least once a week, they’ll stop working. 

**ZM:** Then the failsafe explosives I wired to the building’s support pillars will go off. 

**UG:** So, Madam President, you need us.

**P:** Fucking hell. Give us one moment, gentlemen, if you would?

_ (President al-Jilani called the Board Members into a huddle. Vice President Quintus moved to retain the contract for now, in light of this new information. Treasurer Tarleton seconded. Motion passed 6-0.) _

**P:** Fine. You’ve got us against the wall, gentlemen. The contract will continue. But so help me, if there’s one more incident, I’ll see to it that none of you ever find work in this galaxy again. Do I make myself clear?

_ (Mr. Vakarian, Mr. Grunt, and Mr. Massani verbally agreed.) _

**P:** Good. Now get out of here before we change our mind.

**UG:** Uh… can we get another truckload of ryncol?

**P:** Get. Out.

**UG:** So… that’s a yes?

**P:** Now!

_ (Mr. Vakarian, Mr. Grunt, and Mr. Massani left the meeting.) _

**END TESTIMONY**

 

Vice President Quintus stated that he would research alternate security contractors and present a list of potential replacements at the next Regular Meeting. President al-Jilani also requested that the Vice President contact Aegohr Munitions and Ariake Technologies to find out if the unauthorized security measures could be safely removed by their technicians. Vice President Quintus agreed to do so.

President al-Jilani moved to adjourn. Motion seconded by Vice President Quintus. Motion passed 6-0. 

Meeting adjourned at 1930. 

 

Signed,

Aleeah T’rasa, Secretary


End file.
